Top Five Reasons to Vote Liberal Democrat















5.You want David Laws to help with filing away your receipts

4.Vince Cable’s ballroom dancing

3.You want to send abusive text messages to Chris Huhne

2.Nick Clegg’s cool smoking

1.Lord Rennard might have sex with you


Top Five Openings













5.New Apple store

4.New branch of Krispy Kreme Donuts

3.Fantastic new local deli with self service olive bar

2.New Ikea superstore

1.Lamprey cloaca

Top Five Candidates to be the New Pope









5. Jimmy Savile

4. Osama Bin Laden

3. Glen Benton

2.Jesus of Nazareth

1.Mega Hitler

Top Five Reasons You Want to Die

















5. You are a bit bored

4. So you can compare beards with god

3. Your parents don’t understand you

2. You fancy being a zombie for a bit

1. You have spent the last four years held captive in a basement being repeatedly tortured and abused by an incredibly brutal sadist

Top Five Worst Sounds Known to Man

















5. The crack of a snail’s shell as you stand on it barefoot

4. Jamie Oliver trying to say “L”

3. Any noise whatsoever made by your neighbours

2. The splintering of your front door as the robot death police burst into your house

1. The snare drum sound on St Anger